Dear John

woah ladies

2011-09-15T13:42:00.003-05:00

no amount of oranges and cream air freshener can make up for the fact that the public bathrooms here at the hospital are HORRIFIC. it smells like a rhinoceros pen. ladies please, please, please practice good hygiene so I don't have to gag every time i need to pee. not fair to me. (i rhymed)

Completely unacceptable

2011-09-15T11:24:00.002-05:00

Inmate in clinic today has a hypoglycemic event while being checked in- his glucose was 37. Clearly this man is a diabetic. What kills me about this is that he probably got woken up at 5am to drive all the way here from Waupun, to then sit in a holding cell in the hospital until his clinic appointment came up.

Theres no excuse for this. Does anyone feed this man breakfast, check his blood sugars, or even care about his health? Yes, he's in prison. But hes not an animal. And even better? The nurse refused to deal with his "event" and got really snooty about it.

This hurt my feelings almost as badly as the homeless man who wanted one extra free sample of kielbasa at copps the other day. the old bag refused, saying it was "store policy". Bitch please. Where is your heart?

Am I completely off? Or should I quit being so naive and realize that these people are in these positions for the poor choices they made in their past?

overheard

2011-09-09T07:51:00.002-05:00

chick on her cell phone talking SUPER loud while walking through the cafeteria...

"IVE GOT HIS HEAD SHOVED REAL DEEP DOWN IN MY P...........URSE."

that caught my attention right away. i need to get my mind out of the gutter. immediately.

WOW THATS A LOT OF CHEESE BALLS

2011-09-08T15:11:00.002-05:00

a co-worker was awesome and gave me a super-size bucket of cheese balls, since ive been harassing her to construct me a cheese ball warmer. because everything (except beer) tastes better warm. she heated them up in a crockpot and gave them to me as a bday gift. BEST GIFT EVER! anyway, so the jumbo cheese ball bin is still sitting at my desk. Why does everyone who walks by need to comment on them?

"You must really love cheese balls."

"WOW THATS THE BIGGEST BUCKET OF CHEESEBALLS."

"Whats with the cheese balls?"

"Ooooh CHEESY POOFS!"

fuck off everyone. i love cheese balls. do you need to comment? no.

HEY

2011-09-08T13:56:00.002-05:00

listen up bitch. don't scream questions at me from the across the room, without even addressing me by name, and expect me to answer you...or even acknowledge that you are screeching at me.

"DO ANA TITERS GO TO THE CORE LAB OR TISSUE TYPING LAB?"

crickets....

"JESUS CHRIST. HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY GO?"

not responding to you....

"MARISA!"

yes Satan?

Is it too hard to say, "hey, I have a work related question. can you help me out?" I can then be a piggy will and help you out with whatever you need. but when you shout ten feet across the office and expect me to fall at your knees, I'm going to be a tried and true piggy won't.

can someone please tell me why

2011-09-07T13:32:00.002-05:00

Asians with big backpacks are ALWAYS chasing the madison metro buses throughout campus? Are they, as a race, notoriously late? can they not tell time? do they like to run?

I See this every damn day of my life. if i had a nickel everytime an asian was running to a bus id be a millionaire. its almost like godzeeeeera is coming and they're all running towards something. usually the 80. eagle heights bitch...

you know you are loved

2011-09-07T13:24:00.002-05:00

when someone watches a 30 minute youtube tutorial to make you the best homemade red velvet (or milk velvet as misa calls it) that i've ever had. I LOVE YOU MOM!

For once its not "Ces' sister" its maaaarisa brother.

2011-09-07T13:23:00.001-05:00

bday photos

2011-09-07T09:37:00.007-05:00

#1 Stunna

He fit a whole piece of red velvet cake in his mouth in one bite

SPANKY!

Massive.

it wouldnt be a birthday without Buck!

You know texts send better if you stick your phone to the window.

What does she smell?

2011-09-07T09:27:00.002-05:00

1) chipmunks

2) the lesbians weedwhacking next door.

3)the lesbians having a volleyball tournament next door

4) coffee

Hes a realist

2011-09-06T18:37:00.001-05:00

Just got home from filling out my financial disclosure form with my lawyer (who is amazing although im sure I've said that a million times.) As he's punching numbers and asking me every bill I have per month, he then blurts out "ok so you spend more money on alcohol a month than food. And your monthly budget is more than your net income per month?" Yes, yes that's absolutely correct. Shit.

Ok, this is going way too far

2011-09-02T12:23:00.002-05:00

Cash cow in training Kris Humphries and his new bootylicious wife Kim Kardashian had a "welcome to NY" party this week. The party had approximately 850 guests in attendance, and had a private concert by Justin Timberlake as the entertainment.

ALRIGHT SERIOUSLY?!! when does it end? You had your magical fairytale wedding, had your magical fairytale honeymoon (all caught on camera by E!... surprise surprise.) your big @$$ and your husbands scary gorilla browline need to step away from the limelight before people stop buying your shape-ups, shoedazzle shoes, quicktrim pills, overpriced sears clothes, and other things that Im sure I forgot to list.

I want to see more Kortney, Scott, and baby Mason. Shes the most fashionable, responsible, and funny one of the group. #MOREKORTNEY

the real deal of at home waxing kits.

2011-09-02T12:08:00.004-05:00

I have recently been waxing my face with home waxing kits- I find it ridiculous that salons charge me $24 for a lip and eyebrow wax. I have taken matters into my own hands. I've tested a couple different kits and found that Sally Hansen has the best options.

This is my favorite kit, hands down. There are no strips involved. you just heat up the wax in the microwave, apply it to your face, let it get hard, then rip the actual wax off of your face. It comes with some sort of analgesic topical cream to put on the spots you just waxed, which helps with the irritation a lot.

My pubic (i mean public) service announcement for the day is this: just because kortney and khloe wax each others vajays on national tv, doesn't mean you should too. Some parts of the body should be waxed by a pro, the VJ being one of them.

I tried this at home with the Sally Hansen body wax home kit. the result was neon purple gooey wax everywhere. Its not even wax, its some other formula. But it was way too sticky, impossible to rip off, and I ended up ruining multiple razors trying to shave out the wad of wax that got caught up downstairs. Long story short, do not use the sally body wax kit, stick to face only for at home waxing purposes.

Champagne showers start tonight

2011-09-02T12:02:00.003-05:00

tweet,call,text,write,smoke signal me for bday plans this weekend. hurricane irene is nothin compared to me.

I'll take birthday gifts in the form of Sephora gift cards.

Something to ponder

2011-09-02T11:49:00.002-05:00

at my mom's job interview on Tuesday, they asked her a question that definitely had me thinking.

"If your co-workers could change three things about you, what would it be?"

I know I should probably not speak my mind so much, and be more punctual. Maybe be more helpful?... whats the fun in being helpful? ugh.

I wish that life

2011-09-02T11:38:00.002-05:00

Was a choose your adventure book. you could peep at the future, try out one adventure. If that adventure isnt quite what you're looking for, you could just go backwards in time and flip to a different page. I know you all read these when you were little, and chose one ending...only to read both endings. Who wouldnt?

your daily Wiz

2011-09-01T12:27:00.000-05:00

i decided

2011-09-01T11:36:00.002-05:00

the second and third cup of coffee during the day is just never as good as the first.

"its not our jurisdiction"

2011-09-01T11:22:00.002-05:00

Another public service announcement for the day:

If you suddenly fall ill/pass out/die/have a heart attack in our hospital's parking ramp, you must call 911- we cannot help you. Even though we are a mere 30 feet from you.

We had a patients sister call this morning, frantic because her sister was projectile vomiting (think the Excorcist) and having a seizure on the top floor of our parking ramp. Medical Reponse refused to get a doctor up there because its out of our jurisdiction. So in turn, 911 had to be called... cops, ambulance, fire truck, the whole kitten caboodle.

It takes minutes for the EMT's to arrive. (i know because sara and I were first responding last week and beat the ambulance by a longshot) and in that time the patient couldve definitely been a goner.

Talk about pawning off the BS on the cops. soooo ridiculous. Everyone, please dont die in the ramp because "WE cant help you."

The traffic headache begins today

2011-09-01T11:04:00.002-05:00

This just shows that it always comes down to money.
I pay $800 a year to park half a mile away from my job. Sounds ridiculous, but they have to get the money somewhere so they can afford our CEO's $650k a year paycheck.

ESPN paid our university bundles of money to have a Thursday night football game, the first in 11 years. This causes a major traffic headache for all involved. Since the game starts at 7pm, people will be rolling in around 4pm to start tailgating- in OUR parking lots that we use for work. So its been announced that we need to leave our parking ramp at 5pm today or we will be ticketed/towed.
F you UW madison! i pay way too much a year in the first place for you to kick me out of my parking stall, which is a 10 minute walk away from my place of work.
I decided to come in to work at 7, and will leave at 330 to hopefully avoid the traffic. the best part of this whole story? The silly freshman kids are still moving into their dorms, so their parents with their minnesota/michigan/great lakes license plates are causing horrible traffic jams and driving the wrong way down one way streets.

Avoid downtown madison if you can. im begging you. please.

2011-08-31T16:07:00.001-05:00

The coffee ninja.

2011-08-31T15:59:00.004-05:00

IN action.

What is the deal with bejeweled corset tops

2011-08-31T15:43:00.003-05:00

A couple things about bejeweled corset tops.

1) they make crazy women look even crazier.
2) There should be an age limit as to who shops at Charlotte Russe. And if you do decide to spend your money on disposable clothing, I will think your a looney toon. corsets are for 21 year old hoochies who hang out at Brothers or Whiskey River. Get over yourself honey.

This last note isn't corset related, but what the hell. The grass apparently isn't greener on the other side. Your insta-family may bring you temporary happiness. But what happens when you hack into your rockstar's phone and find that you ARENT THE ONLY ONE? As the world turns... the drama ensues.

When life starts to get rough...

2011-08-31T15:40:00.001-05:00

I watch my Monsterball special and drink costco vodka. It has helped me through many problems as of late. But last night, the vodka actually began to CAUSE some problems. I can't win!

Illegal parking. so done.

2011-08-31T15:37:00.001-05:00

So the parking wars continue. First we have Hagrid, mr. potion prince himself, whos too lazy to walk an extra flight of stairs, so he hogs the surface lot with his giant explorer. Of course he needs an SUV to support his GIANT ass. Now we have this random crotchrocket. I almost put a post-it on there with a nasty gram ... but I think Sara should just accidentally back into it because this spot belongs to no one except for MPM.

Renee will hear about this.

Gross.

2011-08-31T09:43:00.000-05:00

Wow! what an overwhelming response to the anonymous writer

2011-08-31T09:32:00.003-05:00

After having a guest writer spill his romantic woes on our blog, we had a 90% increase of readers, and more unique readers on Monday and Tuesday than we've had in a while, since princess P dropped her baby bomb.

People like the drama, the numbers prove it!

Birthday Anthem

2011-08-30T15:21:00.002-05:00

5 days until the bottle poppin' ensues. fuck it ill start poppin bottles tonight. Here's my official birthday anthem. ALL i need now is my shufflebutt.

Big Man's Blog

2011-08-30T15:20:00.002-05:00

Take a peek at my buddy Tony's blog. Maybe if you're lucky he will draw out the winterfell map or tell you about batman's babymommas.

http://brokksamson.blogspot.com/

love u tony!

I vote this for KP's next single. cuz it makes me smile.

2011-08-30T11:13:00.001-05:00

Clearly I'm in the wrong profession

2011-08-29T15:41:00.003-05:00

I got my monthly bill/statement from my lawyer the other day in the mail. I thought it was bad last month when they charged me $75 for someone to walk the divorce paperwork to the courthouse when they only live 10 miles away.

This bill chapped my ass. "$45 for two failed attempts to contact daniel on the phone." Thats funny, because his ass is the one who gave me the wrong phone number. I would love to send this bill over the pond, but im not paying the postage.

I shouldve become a lawyer.

$300 every time I sneeze while working on your affadavit bitch.

PEOPLE! DO not take everything I say so seriously!

2011-08-29T13:28:00.003-05:00

A co-worker of mine was telling a story about how she found a goopy eyed mangy looking feral cat on the side of the road. She said she took it to a vet to get it checked out, scrubbed up, etc. Tara would pick up a wounded chupacabra off the road and nurse it back to health if she had room in her house. SO basically she needs a kitty like she needs a hole in her head. I was overhearing this story being told and suggested -

"Tara you should have just let it get hit by a car."

Apparently co-worker two, lets call her rag bag, didnt take kindly to my JOKE, and said "MARISA I CANT BELIVE YOU JUST SAID THAT."

First off B, don't call me out. you have worked here months, and don't know whos toes youre stepping on. Secondly, I was kidding. Yes, I aim at cats when they run across the road, but thats just a personal preference. Kinda like pump soap instead of bar soap. Thirdly, I was talking to Teabag and not you.

SIGH. Along with my vampire cramps today, I just can't take it. The only thing that will cure this is costco vodka and my GaGa monsterball special that I have permanently saved on my DVR.

He's my superstar

2011-08-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

we have a new anonymous writer

2011-08-28T22:53:00.002-05:00

To want, yet not able to have

Ahhh, one of life's great dilemmas. To want something, but damnit, you just can't have it.

Sure, we've all been there. "I want a new car...BUT, I can't afford one." "I want some new clothes, BUT I have bills to pay." Even as children, well those of us who weren't just given everything we wanted, we faced the same lesson on life. We wanted all kinds of shit, but mom and dad would say something like, "Sure, I'll get that for you, if you do X" We had to EARN the stuff we wanted.

But what happens when the things you want can't be bought or "earned" by cutting the grass for the next month? How do you get these things? What do you do when it seems like you will NEVER get these things?

I know, personally, this drives me friggin crazy. Lately, it's consumed my thinking. You're probably thinking, "Dude, get a grip. Move on." Well, when your "thing" is a PERSON, it's not that easy. Nowwww, I hope some of us are on the same page.

So, in my case, it has been 2 WANTS as of late. One is head and shoulders just cooler than so many other people I've met. Sincere, instant fun, and just makes me smile...doesn't hurt that they're gorgeous too :-) Our friendship has really grown and now we flirt (low key kind of stuff) I want. But...I can't have. Why? Well, a big part of it is that I don't want to ruin the awesome friendship by "making a move" and thus making things weird if the anticipated denial comes. But, what if? What if there's some of the same thoughts in their head? It's driving me nuts...

The other? Smart, genuinely a nice person, and easily one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life. No lie. Initially, started with low-key "getting to know you" chat sessions, but kind of popped off to hard-core "do you want this?" business recently. I want. But...I can't have. Why? It is believed they are in a relationship currently, and no one wants to be THAT person who gets a reputation like that. But no one can ignore messages that have been sent like they have recently...no one. I don't care how strong someone is, or claims to be. But is it just a, "Let's do this, NOW" kinda gig, or is it one that could potentially go somewhere? Only one way to find out, right?

I think...I'm going to see what #2 has to offer. We'll just need to have a little chat before anything gets going...if it does.

I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck.

~Anonymous

Do you see anything wrong with this picture?

2011-08-26T11:26:00.002-05:00

This is what happens when I'm in charge of making chocolate chip cookies. Multiple egg shells later, it was chilled for hours. and somehow the chocolate chips got omitted from the equation.

Family dinner/dog photoshoot.

2011-08-26T10:19:00.002-05:00

Keila, approximately 5pm: Running in circles, bone in mouth. Trying to find the perfect place to bury it. She heads out the dog door, goes to the furthest bush out in the backyard, and hides it in there.

Keila, approximately 510 pm: Depressed because she forgot where she hid her bone. The saga continues.

This is the reaction to my brother blasting Westside Connection

2011-08-26T10:08:00.003-05:00

"Judy, those are not my keeeeds."

This is a warning to all you Birthday SKIPPERS

2011-08-25T15:48:00.002-05:00

To anyone who is near and dear in my life and finds an excuse to miss my birthday celebration Sunday, Sept 4th at the Silver Eagle - you owe me crab legs. No excuses. I have already De-friended Jon, and De-brothered Cesar because they think its cool to hang out with Pearl Jam at Alpine Valley instead of hang and daydrink with me.

Choose wisely. Me, or King Crab Legs a week later.

First Responders on the scene

2011-08-25T15:16:00.003-05:00

If anyone knows how to have a blast drug and alcohol free, its Sara and I. Last night we got the brilliant idea to go out and fight crime after we let all of our crab settle. We took the bug (because of my illegal tint) and hit the road. We hooked my phone up to my Aux cord and blasted the scanner app.. Madison Police style. We were just heading down CG road, turning onto Monona drive when we heard the most beautiful thing. "Yeah we've got reports of a drunk man with a shoulder injury at the Jade Monkey, 109 Cottage Grove Road. Can we have someone respond?"

Ok it may not have been that exactly, but I couldnt contain my excitement. We flew down a side road, 55 mph , drove over a median Dukes of Hazzard style, ran a red light, all to get to the drunk man with the shoulder injury. Now after typing this I realize we probably shouldnt have been driving like assholes.

WE fly into the jade monkey parking lot, and there was one spot left, just for us. Sara yells "BACK IN so we can see whats going on!" I respond "HOW DO I BACK IN????" coming from the girl who has a million dents in her car. "Very carefully" she says.

We were clearly the first responders...beat the police officers by TWO minutes, in that time the drunk guy couldve wandered off. Instead he was laying on the cement right in front of the door so you couldn't get in, or get out.

We took some photos, without the flash on, and had our dispatcher Ces on duty via text. He wouldnt let us borrow his dog to report to the "twenty african american men at Penn park" Im still bummed out about that. The crime chasing wouldve continued had the Bug not ran out of gas.

Watch out all you criminals... Frank 204 is on the beat. Copy. Breaker breaker. OVER.

my personal assistant for the afternoon

2011-08-25T15:06:00.002-05:00

Although Keila can't speak English, nor does she have the opposable thumbs to help me type out my thoughts, she makes an excellent personal assistant. I tell her what I'm thinking and judging by how many dirty looks she gives me (see above) and how many eyebrow raises I get out of it, that's what I know is dirty enough to post.

one more video... Love lil tunechi

2011-08-25T14:56:00.001-05:00

Taylor Swift & Justin Bieber "Baby" LIVE

2011-08-25T14:48:00.000-05:00

Never was a bieber fan. but this is damn cute. why does he think the droopy drawers thing and the wifebeater look hot? biebs, you have the body of a prepubescent 12 year old. done.

I can never escape the ghetto

2011-08-25T13:05:00.001-05:00

Im sitting in the waiting room of my snooty dentist's office... wt lady here with five million kids is trying to schedule multiple fillings for her kid who probably lives off of mountain dew and hamburger helper. The secretary can't find ms cavities in her system.. "what's her name again? Samantha??" Wt mom responds "um NO its Sharon! Sharon champagne! I named her after my momma! She's the only Sharon I know under age 50 so people never screw her name up." Jesus christ. If I have an illegitimate im gonna name her esther alizay. No one will screw that ghetto shit up at "da dentis' office yo"

Every morning on my way to work... my car is a nightclub

2011-08-24T16:12:00.003-05:00

Its usually Swedish House Mafia and Pitbull. This song makes me think of Vegas, neither miami or ibiza.

life's too short

2011-08-24T15:53:00.003-05:00

*to worry about what people think of you.
*to think "what if?". If you want to do something, just do it.
*to stress about the little things.
*to settle down in a halfass relationship.
*to not have that one last drink, even though you shouldn't.
*to not kiss your doggies every 2 minutes and tell them you love
them.
*to not approach someone you think is attractive and ask for their
number.
*to not tell someone how you feel, even if it may hurt them or offend them.

So live each day to the fullest. I know people say that alot. But you dont want to live your life with regret.

"regrets and mistakes they're memories made."

these claws... like the talons of a hawk

2011-08-24T15:42:00.000-05:00

I have nightmares about these claws. they klink against keyboards so loud its like Acrylics on a chalkboard. Even worse? having one of these murderous weapons waving in your face because you screwed something up. Im anti- Acrylics. Join me in the fight

2011-08-23T15:42:00.002-05:00

Pure Ice Crackle Review

2011-08-23T14:45:00.003-05:00

After coming up short multiple times trying to find OPI's Shatter polish, I decided to try one of the many rip off brands at Walgreens. I tried Pure Ice Crackle nail polish. I read past reviews and agreed with the latter; it works good for the price, you only need one coat, and it starts to crackle/dry immediately after it hits your nail. So screw-ups arent really allowed. I thought it turned out pretty cool, would like to try it with bright green,pink,orange,or yellow underneath. I started with a tame peacock jewel tone turquoise to start. For $3.99 its a good deal.

Love driving by this every day

2011-08-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

on First Street. I don't know who did it, but I think its beautiful and every day I find something new in the art- partly because its such an interesting piece, and mostly because the stoplights at first st and east wash take FOREVER. anyway, I love this. It makes me smile.

Working hard...or hardly working?

2011-08-23T14:21:00.003-05:00

Who takes half a hamburger bun?

2011-08-23T14:16:00.002-05:00

To the Hamburgler:

You really shook up our potluck today by taking just ONE half of a hamburger bun, leaving it in the bag to fend for itself. When poor sara went to get a bun for her sammy, she only got 50% of it. Dont threaten to throw tomatoes at me, when you fucked up and only took half a bun. then you probably ate a brat on your hamburger bun with your second cousin.

Im onto you hamburgler.

your daily maroon 5

2011-08-23T08:36:00.003-05:00

Maroon 5 - Give A Little More Vidéo mohzer sélectionnée dans Musique

hungover scrabble with cheez-its.

2011-08-22T13:01:00.000-05:00

Lost in translation at us nawes. (Nails)

2011-08-20T13:05:00.001-05:00

Pawe skin isn't a heawthy. It makes you look wick. See you aw heawthy you look like a Hawaii.

nebraska nebraska nebraskaaaaaa MERMAID SEX

2011-08-19T16:00:00.000-05:00

Nuevo video de Lady Gaga "Yoü and I" by Globovision

Popsicle Stick Factoids

2011-08-19T15:39:00.002-05:00

Did you know:

That a sneeze travels at a record speed of 100 mph? And it also triggers the same feelings as an orgasm. I call them Nosegasms.

Mohammad is the most common name in the world, second to Jennifer or Sarah.

The Border collie is the smartest dog breed. (I personally think its the Chihuahua)

That I speak mexican?

LOVE blasting this song

2011-08-19T15:31:00.003-05:00

...thru my cookie cutter ticky tacky neighborhood. The white lady who sits on her stoop with her infant immediately clutches the baby tighter when I drive by blasting yelawolf.

Parking shortage at glacier valley: so they do THIS?

2011-08-19T15:23:00.003-05:00

OK, this is enough.

First off, there is a major parking shortage in my hood. There are no surface lot spaces to be had, yet theres plenty of underground parking. I dont have the special button to get me down there.
WE have punkass lazy neighbors (Hagrid) who dont like walking the extra flight of stairs from underground parking, so they park in the scarce surface lots.

I get home usually around 11pm. I have my phone in one hand and rape whistle in the other because I have to park so damn far away from my place. Im waiting for the day I get knifed in the walk from car to door.

So low and behold, I get home from work yesterday and discover GIANT ROCK piles in our surface lot. Oh hell no. This almost warrants another rent credit. On top of hagrids nightly potions, raggedy neighbors under us being loud, and Jorge being in Iraq and we have no one to spy on.

Shame on you Glacier Valley. You guys are dirty whores these days.

you know what I meant...

2011-08-19T15:17:00.002-05:00

4 tall beers later...

"EUGENE IM GONNA PEE ALL OVER YOU. I gotta mark my territory! Im a dog and youre my fire extinguisher!"

I was nicely explaining to him that i called dibs. and that sparkley headband jay leno has no chance.

I realize now that eugene would be a fire HYDRANT, but extinguisher works too.

this is what I deal with on a daily basis.

2011-08-18T15:35:00.003-05:00

1) "Um yeah hi... Im a kidney transplant patient of yours. but this is not a transplant related question (first red flag). What day is that Madison wide garage sale? Where people put stuff on their lawns and you can take it?(second red flag/cheapskate.)"
me:"you mean college move in day? where the students dump their garbage on the side of the road and its a free for all? Sometime in august. "
"k thanks, bye."

2) "So the football in my stomach is gone. but now I have a baby inside me. Those assholes put a BABY in my STOMACH! and now its kicking!"
Dru-" You dont have the female hormones capable of having a baby, youre a male."
"I do too have the hormones, I have a baby! Those ASSHOLES!"

I'm starting a revolution against the weak.

2011-08-18T15:28:00.004-05:00

you people:

*That cry at lifetime movies and hallmark commercials
*who need to get your workload cut in half when you get delegated one extra task
*that get coddled when I call you out for your burnt ass rank popcorn stinking up a patient area

Im sick of it!

\\\When life throws you a curveball, do you lay in the fetal position and let that bad situation fuck you up the ass... or do you battle the situation and prevail?
I feel like blue face painted mel gibson in a mink fur loincloth... charging down the hill against all the Betty Crocker bitches I work with.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. and by the kitchen, I mean life.

another day at the office

2011-08-18T15:26:00.003-05:00

hamel: "you need to go on a date with this guy DO NOT ditch him"
me:"I dont want it to be formal. I dont want to eat. I just want to drink."
hamel: " eat , then drink."
me: "I just feel like eating is such a barbaric task. its like watching someone pooping."
hamel: "I dont like eating in front of guys either, but its not quite like that."

I miss you, my dear old friend

2011-08-16T16:05:00.002-05:00

I admit it. I screwed up. I thought we weren't right for each other and that I could get by just fine without you. Well thats anything but the truth. I think about you all the time and hope you are doing well. I worry about you, wish you the best, and I hope you are kicking life's ass, because I know you have it in you.
This city isn't big enough for our two huge personalities. I'm at the point in my life where I don't have a spare ounce of energy to spend pretending you aren't in the room, or that I suddenly forgot who you were. Truth is, I could never forget you. When we were together, I swear we could take over the world. Some of the best times of my life were spent with you. You amazed me every day with your independence and strength. I still feel horrible that I couldn't be there next to you during the hard times. I feel like I abandoned you.
I am not taking all of the blame though; you weren't perfect either. You never took my advice and put relationships before your friendships. But I get it. you were a kid then. so was I. We're adults now. I just hope we could both for just a second stop being so damn stubborn and realize we did have a real friendship. I hope its repairable. Because this can't be the end for me.

you know who you are. I hope you read this. Because as confident as I am, I could never say this to you in person. You're too intimidating.

social networking sites should NOT be substituted for professional therapy

2011-08-16T15:39:00.003-05:00

I'm sick of people airing their dirty laundry on Twitter/facebook/etc. Yes I have a blog and there is plenty of dirty-ness on here, but you dont need to read it if you dont want to.

I'm talking about people going through divorces and estranged relationships. Having millions of people being able to read about your depression and lack of sleep or hatred for your "then better half". these serious issues need to be discussed with that person directly.. not tweeting or status updating at all hours of the night , hoping they read it.

If this continues, you know who you are, I will unfollow you and your dramatic +1 so I can minimize my news feed. Its already jampacked with the Situation's abs and Khloe and Lam Lam sucking face. you know , the important things in life.

I just made new verbs: Tweeting, status updating. I love this.

if you like me, don't show it

2011-08-16T15:35:00.004-05:00

there's this guy I know. He's tall and gorgeous. Smart and wise...etc. He is driving me crazy- to the point where he's the only guy I can think about. I have my hands in how many cookie jars, but he's the only one I want. The part that kills me is that he doesn't text me too much or call too much. He lets me pursue him. I'm not used to this at all, and I kind of like it. Its like a challenge. When you live a life when stuff gets handed to you a lot, this guy is a breath of fresh air. I say game on. he won't be able to resist my charm for too long. I will break him down.

dont give half ass hugs

2011-08-16T09:45:00.002-05:00

Pet peeve of mine:

If we're on that level that we're giving hugs to each other...make it count. Nothing bugs me more than a hug thats anything less than a bear hug. I saw hottie russell crowe last night and he gave the weakest hug; it totally brought him down a few notches in my book.

if you love someone as a friend or something more, hug the shit out of them. show them you care.

learn from his mistakes.

2011-08-15T11:44:00.003-05:00

Doodle: "hey my little porkchop!"
me: "was that supposed to be a term of endearment? because im offended!"
doodle: "fine. you my little baby back rib!"
me: " I ain't any meat product. or meat bi-product. I aint yo chicken nugget bitch!"

my work spouse will never learn.

Im thissssss close to putting antifreeze in his cats kibble. because shes a supersnatch.

public service announcement for the day.

2011-08-15T11:35:00.002-05:00

King sized mattresses are heavy. in fact, they are heavier then you would expect. (maybe it was the sheets that weighed it down more?) anyway, i got the grand idea to rearrange my room. this is because I can't possibly nightstand it again and have guys crawling over me to exit the den. i got the mattress standing up, and propped it against the wall.

a few seconds later, i was catching my breath when the berlin wall came tumbling down. I look up to see this giant mattress coming straight at my head. I put my hands out and stopped it just in time. I sat up there and just laughed to myself.

My neighbors must think im crazy. Because i laugh to myself at all hours of the day. Especially from 10pm-1030pm/ chelsea lately is my life.

Not being the one apologizing for drunk behavior? this is a miracle

2011-08-15T10:30:00.003-05:00

my friend, who shall remain nameless (lets call him Spencer just for this post) is gushing apologies via text message. Since 7am to the present.

He may have stood me up last night, he blacked out from alcohol and "dude lost his car" this morning. even though it ended up at his place, where it was supposed to be.

Anyway, the fact that someone got drunker than me is a plus. And that he apologized is a big plus.

He still won't get nightstand treatment for at least two weeks, but his efforts are thoughtful. and cute. Because what he doesn't know is that I was out anyway, without him, discussing batman and life with my bgf (bestguyfriend. come on , keep up.) and was planning on giving him the ol' ditch anyway.

Poor spence.

joeys seafood= good shit.

2011-08-14T18:25:00.003-05:00

Get the pickles for an appetizer, you won't be disappointed.

my mom and I split 1 lb of crab legs... they were delicious. Im still getting the cracking thing down though..there was shell in my hair, and all over the table. I think there were remnants on my mom's shirt as well. Ill get it one of these days.

why fix it when you can tape it?

2011-08-14T18:22:00.003-05:00

my moms window in her mercedes aka buick wont go up or down. my dad thought he would teach himself on youtube how to fix an automatic window button. this proved to be not as easy as he suspected. he said he was going to spend another day "learning" on youtube, and gave her a temporary solution to her poor broken window.

the many misspellings at the greenie

2011-08-14T18:15:00.003-05:00

the best 9 minute song you'll ever hear

2011-08-14T12:41:00.001-05:00

everyone please help me

2011-08-14T12:26:00.002-05:00

I've been a recovering addict for months, and I need nothing more in the world then to smudge cocaine all over my gums. AKA reactivate my facebook. I've been such a good girl, and now I'm ready to ruin people's lives again with my stupid status updates. I feel like this could be an Intervention episode.

"Marisa, your addiction to Facebook and social networking has affected me in the following ways: Your battery drains that much quicker in your phone. I know where you are at all times. And really, you're just an asshole. Facebook is giant waste of time. Get help. NOW. Im sending you to a rehab in Cancun mexico where you won't be tempted."

sniff sniff. I already have a deviated septum anyway. whats another re-activation?

no one fucks with GaGa and gets away with it

2011-08-14T12:21:00.002-05:00

I had $3 in my hot little hand and was standing in front of the touchtones at Mulligan's. I was instructed to not play Top 40, so I kicked it old school with Warren G "Regulators". Somehow, some way, "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa got played. I take the blame for it.

Some douchelord (who is by himself, at a BAR on a saturday, thats self-explanatory) comes up to the touchtones to play death metal just as Bad Romance comes on.

DL-"WHO THE FUCK PLAYED LADY GAGA?"
me-"I the fuck played lady gaga"
DL-"she fucking blows"
me-"Nice shoes."

Homie, dont fuck with me when you're wearing Samba's. I can't take you seriously.

Do guys get the hint?

2011-08-14T12:16:00.003-05:00

when a guy texts your phone 10+ times immediately after meeting you, I think that's creepy. What happened to the wait 3 days to call rule? I guess since texting is so big and informal people feel like they can blow up people's phone with bullshit texts about nothing.

WELL- quit wasting my texts ( I ONLY get 5000 a month) and don't be a debbie downer immediately into those first ten texts. "Yeah i've seen nothing but death for years being in the Army" blah blah blah. I would've loved to hear about your tours in Iraq, but now you are killing my vodka buzz.

So Fort Bennington/Benny/whatever the hell, you are done. But you keep texting me, and when I don't respond you then decide to call?

Jesus. Maybe I shouldn't have gushed about how hot military dudes look in BFD's or whatever theyre called.

Why Nik Richie is God

2011-08-14T12:13:00.003-05:00

If you haven't been to thedirty.com website, I urge you all to go. I am obsessed with Nik Richie and his thoughts on the world and all of the messed up people in it. I think maybe its his brutal honesty that I appreciate, or maybe his lingo. (my favorites are Pepsi and DRD's.) His radio show is absolutely hysterical, and his voice is pure sex. Everyone needs to join the DA with me... Nik Richie for President.

stubble hugs

2011-08-14T12:01:00.003-05:00

I must say that I make dreams happen. Follow along with me.

Last night I forced my brother to go to karaoke night at the Greenie. Like he assumed, it was a mini high school reunion for him. AND his broken hand was definitely a conversation piece on it's own. I think everyone got a different story on how exactly it happened, but all the dudes think hes a boss because they assume he punched someone.

Enter Buck into this equation. He's bomb.com- and jell jell of my brother until I introduce him as just that, my brother. He then gushes to Ces about "What a beautiful man you are. JUST BEAUTIFUL." I couldn't even count the number of times he put his arm around him and shoved his face into his chesticle/armpit area. Stubble Hug.
Ces of course, got the coveted invite. "FRIDAY NIGHT, ill see you two at 5pm. TOBYS. BEST shrimp dinner in town. Hell, we'll have surf and turf!" So now, buck is taking my brother and I on a date. How romantic. The drunker he got, the more crumpled up twenty's starting falling out of his pocket. I slipped one under the elbow that was leaning against the table. I forgot to mention that throughout this night Buck must have somehow lost his balance a couple times, and hands first grabbed my boobs to support his fall. Maybe hes an expressive speaker? needs to grab boobs to tell a story?

I figured for the 4 boob grabs, thats $5 a grab. I shoved the dinero in my purse and we laughed all the way to Taco Bell...where we ordered one of everything. On Buck's dime.

I'll let you all know how the 3 way shrimp dinner pans out.

going through my phone after a 3 day bender

2011-08-12T16:32:00.002-05:00

and I come across a number that I havent seen before.. the name programmed with it is
"CHRIDTOPER."

hmmm.

what happened to honesty?

2011-08-11T15:49:00.003-05:00

I recieved a text from a guy who will remain nameless, lets call him pat for this post.

pat-"yeah I'm going to Georgia for work for 2 weeks...wont have my phone so dont text me until you hear from me."

this is from the same guy who said he was visiting his family in San Diego, and his brother would be borrowing his phone throughout the trip, so dont send any nudies until you hear from me again. Red flag.

I called him out after the Georgia lie, and turns out he does have a girlfriend! surprise surprise. did he tell her we slept together? I doubt it. but who knows, maybe they're in an open relationship. he then says to me "I dont have a girlfriend yet. I might though. Im just trying to be real with you, no bullshit."

that is so freaking ambiguous. You can't bullshit a bullshitter pat. My public service announcement for today is: BE HONEST. yeah, you might hurt some people's feelings for speaking the truth about feelings and actions. but you will be so much of a better person in the long run. He should've told me he had a girlfriend right away, and he should probably not be with his girl if he's cheating on her. Its not fair to any of the parties involved.

I ask him if he has a girlfriend, and he says "what if I did? You would still talk to me, you would still want me." umm really? That's pretty bold of you, and no I dont want your cheating ass.

Enough shady men are in my life. I need to weed them out immediately. I need a weedwhacker to delete all the numbers in my phone. Meanwhile, I just pray I don't end up on thedirty.com . Real talk.

The Rules of Costco, by M.Lopez

2011-08-11T12:36:00.003-05:00

Rule 1) Cesar wants everything. I can't count the number of times he said "I WANT THAT"

Rule 2) One cart is never enough. If you get one cart, you are a)fooling yourself you dumbass. b)you will just get harassed for your club card again when you exit to get a cart and then enter again. Phyllis the card nazi gave me a hard time. Maybe its because im tan. hmm... I wanted to tell her "fuck off Phyllis. Our one trip today will be your weekly paycheck you can go to the Beauty parlor and get your hair did."

Rule 3) Fun stuff in one cart, not-fun cart in another. I pushed the cart with the sherpa blankies,memory foam mattress topper, vodka, and pull apart cheese danish. What else do you need in life?

Costco Is a giant store filled with 1000 count everything. You easily walk out of there spending way too much, so always go on payday. I think my mom is trying to figure out which Lopez family member is the cheapest companion.

Tony likes the produce and greek yogurt ($) I like blankets, school supplies, and vodka ($$) Cesar likes patron, mattress toppers, and giant slabs of meat ($$$) Misa purchases power tools and drill bits, showerheads, classy viva paper towels, and every other item in the store ($$$$$$) Last time as we exited he tried to get Judy to buy the car for sale by the tire section.

The winner, by a landslide, is NOT Misa.

Geek in disguise

2011-08-11T12:25:00.002-05:00

Tony (my bff since 5th grade) and I met up at the Great Dane in Fitchburg last night for goblets of wine and captain and coke "You can keep the fruit" as he says when the bartender tries to slip a lime in his drink.

We were having a deep discussion about Game of Thrones because hes a boss and has read the books. The words "winterfell, john snow, and khal drogo" were flying around our side of the bar. Some stud, who looks like he just finished his day at a high rise office building dressed to the nines, came up to get a drink. he had a giant rolex watch on too. He overheard our conversation and said,
"Excuse me, are you two talking about Game of Thrones?"
-"yes"
"Have you read the books?"
That was music to Tony's ears. After this, they literally started speaking dothroki to each other while discussing which books they were currently reading.

This goes to show that you can wear a three piece suit, stilettos,or a batman t shirt and still have things in common. The love for dragons and fantasy novels.

i daydream of drama

2011-08-11T12:07:00.002-05:00

Often times when I'm driving to work or from work, I make up these extreme scenarios in my head. Im talking bloody, gory,screaming match, nasty fights.

Is it because I hate drama and confrontation in real life? So in my dreams I'm basically on the Bad Girls Club beating snitches up in 'da club?

My most recent one was this morning. I told my love interest (who could be anyone at this point) to meet me at the bar. I go to the bar hours earlier and hang all over random men. lots of men. Love interest walks into the bar, beats up random guy, then I beat up love interest for hurting random man. the fight moves outside the bar. So now I'm beating up some hot love interest? (I know this makes no sense.) And the stories ALWAYS end with my brother and his dog coming to the scene, which makes no sense because I hang out in monona...not his city. and Chase always bites a gangster. Then I get shot, and end up laying in a pool of blood outside the Eagle.

If someone can decipher these "Daydramas" for me it would be great. I kind of like making them up, every drive home brings a new scenario. If you think these daydreams are weird, I wish you all could see my dreams at night. messed up stuff.

a couple reasons why 90 minutes of sleep doesn't cut it.

2011-08-10T14:38:00.002-05:00

theres nothing like driving home when the birds are chirping. you know its way too damn early. Today I am struggling to keep my eyes open, and I dream of a glass of wine and my bed. Including my awesome new costco blanket, which pretty much deserves its own blog post.

My head feels like someone is slowly plucking petals out of it...like a kid playing "he loves me he loves me not" with a daisy. And the kid's name is Silver Eagle. No middle initial.

I took the bull by the horns last night and approached a guy, told him how I felt, and asked him for his number. It felt good to be empowered and be so blunt and honest with an almost stranger... We listened to INXS and talked about American History. 445am came, I knew I needed to go home.

7am comes, I have now pushed snooze multiple times (katy perry's "peacock" on repeat is an instant migraine.) I have a permanent vodka taste in my mouth no matter how many times I brush my teeth.

Next comes damage control. Going through my text inbox to see what bullshit i have written to what guy. It was not pretty. Oh, and I ended up sleepwalking into work with an organic hoodie (stolen from russel crowe's house the night before)

Basically, I had a night filled with self destruction and debauchery. my wallet is empty, but I have some good memories to show for it.

Nothing cures a hangover work day like texts from good friends and e-mails from people who have slipped away and I miss dearly.

See you all at the Great Dane tonight? Round two. lets go. You only live once.

I had my vodka goggles on

2011-08-10T09:13:00.002-05:00

50-ish year old guy walks into the bar last night. I was a couple drinks in and screamed "OMG JASON STACKHOUSE IS HERE"

hamel burst my bubble and said "Half a bottle of vodka later jason stackhouse."

I dont care what anyone says, it was his doppleganger.

The ins and outs of Google+

2011-08-09T15:45:00.002-05:00

I have been doing a lot of research on google+, the new social network competing with Facebook. This article is the best one I've read, highlighting the pros and cons of it. Read up if interested. I know I'm excited- I'm just waiting for an invite. Hurry up Google.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/TECH/social.media/08/08/google.plus.one.month.ars/index.html?hpt=hp_bn7

It's finally here. you can thank me later. Adam Levine topless=heaven.

2011-08-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

Maroon 5 Feat. Christina Aguilera – Moves Like... by RnbXHipHop

HOH?

2011-08-09T15:17:00.003-05:00

Im assuming the patient on the other end of this phone call may have been a bit hard of hearing... co-worker says:

"is that P is in peter or T as in thomas? NO! let me try again. P as in Paul? NO. P as in Poor? jesus christ. P as in... Pack?"

if they didnt hear your P's the first how many times, the last ditch effort p as in pack wont be heard either. just hope they didnt hear you drop the JC bomb on the phone.

is that what I'm really like?

2011-08-09T11:33:00.002-05:00

I've recently befriended a guy; he's sarcastic and hilarious. He leaves me shaking my head, stunned, and laughing all day. when I try to one up him with a one-liner, he gets me back, ten times worse.

i just thought to myself today, "wow I think i've met my match. I cant keep up with this person." then I thought "am I like this? Do I say rude, inappropriate things without cracking a smile? Im an asshole. If this is who I am, I hate myself."

I don't really hate myself. But if you think im being rude, tell me and I will just keep my rude thoughts to myself. Usually if im silent that means I have something nasty to say and I don't feel like offending others.

Assholes, unite! We are sharp as a tack and dont take any smack. Did I just rhyme?

bad pick up line. read me.

2011-08-09T10:44:00.004-05:00

drunk guy sits down next to Hamel and I at the bar. No hello, how are you, nothing. it goes something like this...

drunk guy: "SO. are your shorts that short or did you hem them that way?"
me: "they came this short. that's an inappropriate thing to say to someone you don't know. what about hi, or how are you first?"
drunk guy: "yeah , I don't have a filter."
me: "clearly."
drunk guy:"who made those shorts?"
me: "hollister."
drunk guy: "I'm going to send them a thank you card."

then he stumbles off into the sea of people. I laughed for at least 5 minutes. How do I attract this caliber of man? Lucky me.

update on the living situation

2011-08-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

Just because we’re roommates… (fill in the blank)

*Doesn’t mean that we know the whereabouts of each other at all times.
*We still split things down the middle, we are not a married couple.
*Our every day events don’t always include each other.

However, Just because we’re roommates

*We respect each others stuff and privacy.
*We each have our own remote because we are diehard about our shows.
*Sunday nights are spent trying to figure out the DVR because all of our shows are on. True Blood, Glades, Ice and Coco, Kardashians.
*We play the DJM game (don’t judge me) DJM usually gets yelled out loud when im on my 50th glass of wine, when I’m texting that guy that I really shouldn’t be, or when a nasty comment gets blurted out when sara reads me my bedtime stories (her facebook news feed. I refuse to reactivate.)

*We love getting other people’s mail. And spam mail from pitbull lawyers in Milwaukee.

*I love slamming the front door when im on my way to work. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

*You know it’s gonna be a good night when Hagrid across the hall is mixing potions. Also known as horrible stews and Italian dishes.

*Im waiting for my furniture to just crack into pieces due to overuse.

My Motto as of late. love wiz.

2011-08-08T15:01:00.002-05:00

dear studs, you have made a fan out of me.

2011-08-08T13:29:00.004-05:00

besides cream puffs and clydesdales, I went to the State Fair to see the 5 Card Studs peform in the sweltering heat. mainly hoping Cesar Palace would feel the need to shed clothing. They were fantastic as always, and the pelvic gyrations were on point. See drunky shifty video above.

State Fair time!

2011-08-08T13:00:00.008-05:00

My first Cream puff experience. The best part was the cream puff sheniquas herding the cattle aka customers through the line quickly. "YO! MOVE YALL BUTTS! HURRY UP !"

Richard Simmons fro

Get the veggie bucket here. Deep fried pickles,onions,zucchini,mushroom,broccoli,and cauliflower. Top it off with wisconsin ranch, and its like heaven. make sure to have a giant tap miller lite too.

KKK sheep. Racist f***ers.

Wondering...what sex is this pig? (insert the "ive got big balls" song here)

Well, I went and braved the State Fair on Saturday, even after hearing reports of the hoodlum teenagers that were starting fights by the midway. I brought my ID, my baseball bat, and my kevlar. We spent hours in the animal barns, and the rest of the time was spent guzzling down beers and dancing to the Five Card Studs. swoon.

This was my favorite. The prize winning, national champ goat. hes a straight up boss...eating his championship flag. Tassels gone. whats up now?

word of the day

2011-08-03T15:34:00.001-05:00

Uncomfortablest (drunk adjective) (un-cum-fort-abel-est)

"I have the most uncomfortablest bed. I need to get an air mattress or something."

if this song doesn't make you hot, then you're a PRUDE. I decided.

2011-08-03T14:23:00.000-05:00

isn't it ironic

2011-08-02T10:16:00.002-05:00

co-worker 1 : "yeah some colored guy came up to me yesterday and asked if I wanted to buy some opium. I said no, that I was an undercover cop"

co-worker 2 : "um, the correct term is BLACKS."

dear co-worker 2: since when are you politically correct? telling me that whites dont like "them hispanics" and that I was so tan i should "get to the back of the bus"

I just laugh and shake my head. sometimes when I sit in here I feel like its 1861. Is Madison too white? or is it just the office I sit in?

the downside to owning a track phone

2011-08-01T14:48:00.001-05:00

My mom recently purchased a track phone; she is too indecisive to get a new cell phone through Verizon, and claims she needs “months” to figure out which is the perfect fit for her.
So she bought a gangsta track phone from Target. It has all 11 buttons, so at least it’s not a jitterbug. Immediately after activating it and setting up her inbox, she commented that she thought it was funny how the Bad Girls Club in New Orleans were sending her text messages.

Last night I went through her phone to put some contacts in. She got two more texts last night:

“HEY DIS MY NEW NUMBA- JUWANNA”

“hey celebrity, you coming to Rplace tonight?”

I couldn’t hold back my laughter. And I’m dying to know who exactly had this phone number before she did? Was it Soulja Boy? Brad Pitt? Either way, she’s pissed that the Bad Girls Club are “using up her minutes.”

Public service announcement today

2011-08-01T14:08:00.003-05:00

was written by Sara, Not me. i am not pregnant. No one get confused. Sara and I both have the password to write on here- so read who the author is before you text me in hysterics!

Dear Hamel

2011-08-01T09:52:00.003-05:00

Step off my shit.