No no no no no

The yellow caution sign should say: Caution-douchelord ahead/nice aeropostale shorts.

ITS HERE!

http://www.mtv.com/videos/?id=1518071 Sorry embedding isn't working... but I do LOVEEEE this video. ♥

My sober happy hour

Was weird. I felt like I was missing something. Maybe it was the lack of hops and barley. In any event, it didnt prevent me from harassing the server, who was higher than snoop dogg and explaining to him how triplets are concieved.

me:"I would like a coke please. I'm not drinking im pregnant." greg:"youre pregnant?" me:"yes, with triplets. I had sex three times in a row, now I'm having triplets." greg:"I swear it has something to do with how the chromosomes split not how-" me:"no, whoever told you that was lying. Did you attend Health class even?" greg:"yeah I did, but it was public school system. so that makes sense."

So they say there's radiation in the milk in CA and WA

According to CNN, there has been trace/miniscule amounts of radiation found in milk in California and Washington. Im so happy to live smack dab in the middle of this beautiful country. For the main reason that I dont want to grow another leg out of my forehead, or grow tentacles... purple ones.

Tranny?

"I think Wendy Williams used to be Wendel Willams" -JTL watching dancing with the stars

Overheard at Walgreens- Teen Mom 2.0

2 teenage girl employees were working at the Walgreens. I stopped after my workout to stock up on jellybeans for my co-workers. (they didnt have the bumpy nerd jellybeans, so I had to get lemonhead and hawaiian punch jellybeans. epic fail.) ANYWAY, I was disgusted when I heard them talking about babies. Girl 1: I make $600 a month here, that will cover diapers and formula. He told me he loved me and wanted to have my baby. I really want a baby. Girl 2: umm I dont think $600 a month is enough, what about rent and food and stuff? Girl 1: thats what foodstamps are for ill just get those. I really want a kid. Girl 2: Yeah I really dont think thats a good idea, you aren't ready to be a mom... GIRL 1! LISTEN UP BITCH! // The taxes out of my paycheck go to things such as badgercare, foodstamps, wic checks etc. they are not for people like you, who are relying on them, and have the choice as to have a baby or not. DO NOT ABUSE THE SYSTEM! I almost went up and slapped this young girl and walked away. This is the future of America- and Im really scared. Reason #134566 to not have a baby: I dont want it to make stupidass decisions that will leave me shaking my head. Can everyone go to the Walgreens in McFarland and talk some sense into future babymomma?

Thoughts as of today

I miss shark week. My dog is still wearing her Halloween collar, I really need to get her a new one. But i guess Halloween is only 6 months away... As far as dancing with the stars goes this season, are any of them really stars? its pretty sad I only know who half of these people are. im really thinking that women should always stay waxed, and have nails and toes done. Its the least you can do, you're a woman for a reason; embrace it. ALSO, please get an appropriate bra, wear your size! Get fitted! It's so important. you dont want them to look like a rock in a sock. Just when you write off relationships and promise yourself you'll be single forever to prevent getting hurt...someone comes around and its so unexpected, yet beautiful. I always said I like a challenge, boy do I have one. By the way if you read this, thank you for making me smile constantly and giving me the butterflies that I've been missing for years. "On Wednesdays we wear pink!" im boycotting doing homework for Monday's nights class anymore because a)she wouldnt know if i did it or didnt, and b)im still pissed she ditched me tonight. I desperately need for May to come.

pics from the roadtrip

Chicago's skyline is beautiful. Chicago drivers are not.

Hamel gets pukey when driving over giant bridges.

Mobile bloody mary bars are a complete priority when driving anywhere further than 30 miles.

A couple side notes: Detroit and immediate surrounding areas should be in their own little wonka land. Nobody ever goes in, nobody ever comes out!

I could bitch until im blue in the face about Michigan lefts. If you don't know/havent experienced one of these, consider yourselves lucky.

Whats up with the excessive potholes? They were more like sink holes. I saw compact cars fall in potholes there and never get back out.

More nonsense from my trainer.

me: "I have to confess to you. I ate oreos today. 270 calories worth. and it was so worth it. but now we need to do oreo burning exercises for the next hour."

Jonah: "thats ok. I ate a half gallon of chocolate monster last night while watching the envelope. I think there was 270 calories in each spoonful. Sometimes I stick the whole carton in the microwave so then its a chocolate shake instead of ice cream."

ewwww. seriously jonah.

are you fucking kidding

First off, I dont appreciate getting all the way to school, walking in, eating dinner, bitching in anticipation of doing nothing for 3 hours...then getting to class and finding this note. USE BLACKBOARD! USE STUDENT EMAIL! So many of us have lives beyond being full time students, and travel from all over to attend your joke of a class. I have learned nothing from you except that babymommas are trashy, and its more lucrative to be on disability thru the government than to work. (and ive learned this from fellow students). Work on our papers? What? Half of your class hasnt even turned in the first homework assignment because theyre too stoned, or they cant afford the book, so they need to borrow yours. I will ace your take home final, and shove my A+ up your ass lady.

wheres the little shit that put a ruffie in my metamucil

i love my job.

My nephew

will rip your face off if you mess with him.

My new friend.

Only in Michigan. aka 8 mile.

turn up volume to hear hamel and I talk about nonsense.

Virga vs. Viagra

Lecture 9 last night covered all different types of precipitation.. Since im a teacher's pet I print out the lectures beforehand, so I can follow along and shout out answers , like I actually know what the hell Im talking about.

"what are some forms of precipitation? Give me some examples." -Dr.L.

(im quickly ruffling through the lecture to find some answers)

"Rain! Sleet! Freezing Rain! SNOW" - says c rag claire, my arch nemesis

(I find Virga in my notes, precipitation that evaporates before it even hits the ground)

"VIAGRA! Wait. No no no. Virga."- me

Screaming Viagra at the professor you have the hots for? FAIL.

so embarrassed.

overheard in the 3 ring circus I call work.

"I got mugged the day Reagan was sworn in as president. so technically I got double mugged. I was walking under the bridge , you know the one in the beginning of Flashdance? Yeah, that one. 2 negroes pulled my work bag and ran, they got 14 bucks, thats it. Oh , and my prescription sunglasses, which cost ALOT OF MONEY TO REPLACE."

Atmospheric Stability... in a nutshell. on my forearm

you wonder why I do so well in school... im "smart" enough to cheat.

shame on you, buffalo wild wings

for making my new favorite wing flavor limited edition. No more jammin jalapeno. we had a one time rendezvous. bastards!

Hey! Year of the RABBIT!

Knock it off! you're seriously ruining lives left and right. We cant handle it anymore. And to think its only March. Lord help us.

you can call in sick for anything here.

The furnace isn't working. I won't be in until it is fixed and I don't know when that will be.

thanks, ***

Thing one and Thing two at the gym

Thing one and thing two makes numerous appearances at the gym. These ladies sit on the weight machines and do about ten reps in the duration of an hour. They use the machines as social hour, and if they could smoke in the facility they would. Oh, and they have the WT platinum dyed hair teased up to the ceiling. This is the conversation they had while cleaning off their machine...

Thing one: "man that was a good workout, im FUCKIN' sweatin'!"
Thing two: "yeah man. lets go to the bar. see you at crapps in ten?"
Thing one: "Yeah I need a beer. Ill meet you there I gotta smoke a cig first."

In a Perfect World

*Strawberry shake would come out of the water fountain.
*McDonald's happy meals would have the polly pocket toy in them, or the teeny beeny babies at all times.
*That when you order something spicy, its indeed spicy enough to make your nose snot .
*That you could have a constant running tab at the car repair place, and you can pay them back when you're "rich and famous".
*people would stop saying "no offense,but..."
*I would be the 4th Kardashian sister.
*my nail polish wouldn't chip, ever.
*I would have a Cher Horowitz closet.
*Everyone would quote Mean Girls, all day long.
*The duck phone would finally quit hiding and arrive on Hamel's doorstep.
*Brunettes would have "more fun" because blondes just seem to cause problems.

Friends dont let friends

Drive Drunk

Bring home guys with Prosthetic Legs

Take cheap shots of tequila (i said cheap, patron is a-ok)

And lastly, friends dont let friends agree to go to a "radio sponsored event" without letting them know all of the details. Looks like we got roped into a lesley party. hot damn.

Spanglish Word of the day

Extra-size

Definition: Exercise.

"I no give him ride home because he fat and needs extra-size."

Chaos on Cardinal

10pm: My mom is clucking on the phone with her sister, the nightly call where they talk about nothing for 35 minutes, and its the most important 35 of her day. If the dogs bark, or there are loud noises during this exclusive phone call, she gets pissed. cue Judy gossiping.

1002pm: Some douchebag 16 year old is driving around the block about 80 mph in a fast and furious mobile. the muffler is loud enough to make my ears bleed. Now the dogs bark.

1003: My mom is waving her one accessible hand back and forth and making sourpuss faces to get me to shut up the dogs. But i let them bark, because her antics crack me up. My dad, dressed in jack daniels sleeppants and a flannel,comes running up the stairs and out the door. He is shouting at the little shits who are now doing donuts outside our house in the FFmobile and they have a giant spotlight that they are shining in our windows, and our neighbor's windows (who happens to be the high school art teacher. Coincidence?Nope.)

1005: Now my mom is really pissed and is shouting at sister mary on the phone over the dogs who are in full panic mode due to spotlight in our windows. I look out the window and see my dad shaking his fist and chasing this car down the street. oh shit.

1006: my dad runs in , opens the door and says " CALL PO-LICE. THOSE F-ERS HAVE A ESSPOTLITE MARISA CALL POLICEEE" I just keep laughing , dogs are running laps through the house now.

1008: McFarland PD squad comes flying down Cardinal (i swear i didnt call them) and my dad is still standing at the end of the driveway cheering on the cop as he pulls over the FFmobile outside the "lesleys" house.

For all of the excitement this caused my mom, dad, and dogs, I applaud these snot-nosed teenagers, because they totally made my day. And gave my dad something to peek out the window for.

I cant handle the smell

for those of you who have been inside my car (my bug) you know that Im like a squirrel and I store junk for the winter. My car is full of shit. Board games, a Wii, empty coffee cups, clothes, fake plants. So its no surprise that in my cupholder I had half full mug of coffee, with cream and sugar that had been there since January (martin luther king day to be exact)

2 days ago, the mug decided to fly out of my cupholder, burst open and leak all over the floorboard of the passenger seat. Now i'm dealing with a horrific smell of coffee,cocoa, and rotten milk. Do you think id clean it? nope.

If you see me driving down the street in freezing cold weather or a torrential downpour with both windows down , you know why.

My car reeks.

Go Big RED

RIP knut

or should I say aufedersein?

cheated on my nail place

and went to a different one, in Hilldale Mall. Tots classy, snotty housewives everywhere, bossing the rangoons around like slaves. I got the most spritely one in the bunch, and since they age well im betting she was like 93 y/o. I shut my eyes when she had the dangerous tools in her hand, and i was just imagining her snipping off one of my toes on accident. Because you know when you're that old, you cant see a damn thing. I cringed when she did my cuticles... then she started telling me something about letting my nails dry...for all I know she couldve been talking about Aaron Rodgers or the superbowl, I couldnt understand a damn word. So just smiled and nodded and she kept laughing.

basically the bitch was laughing at my nasty toes. and was commenting to me about them. and I just nodded.

boys will be boys.

My trainer and I were talking about sad movies that make us cry the other day. he brought up some movie about letters to soldiers with Mel Gibson, and I insisted that he was talking about Braveheart, and he fought with me for like 3 minutes that "no no no its not BRAVEHEART!"

he then said "yeah whats that movie that I got roped into watching? ugh, total chick flick. I think its called the Envelope. Yeah, the Envelope. Horrible movie"

Crickets. then I laughed at him for the next 20 minutes.

Chicken Noodle Soup

and/or Turkey veg soup smells like nursing home. I decided.

Stop the madness, stop eating chicken noodle soup! please. If you do, can you eat it outside?
Someone who sits very close to me in my office is currently eating soup- it makes me think of nursing homes, mechanical diets, log rolling, diaper changing. for those of you who have worked in a nursing home, you feel my pain.

I still think about the lady with dimentia who loved cake. I thought she was screaming for cake because she liked the taste. Turns out she would squish it in her hands, and then finger paint with cake/frosting all over the tables, herself, and her neighbor sharing the tiramisu cake with her.

this is why I love old people.

-m

Why oh why

Does the women's restroom at work smell like a petting zoo?

LADIES! CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES!

I pride myself in working with healthcare professionals every day of the week. But perhaps some of you should go back to CNA school where they teach you to sing happy birthday while washing your hands, wrists, and under your nails. Oh, and when did you all grow dicks and decide to start peeing on the seats?

Gross. Public restrooms are definetely a growing phobia of mine. The O'hare bathrooms are cleaner than UW's. I decided.

-M

Sisters... Pearl and Keila

hamel...

Dont forget to take your birth control while in MEXICO... ay yay yay... this is the aftermath. Keep in mind one cabana boy has the potential to produce this.

Just curious...

What the hell is going on here...

Welcome back JLo

Jennifer Lopez Ft. Pitbull — On The Floor [Video]
Uploaded by RnbXHipHop. - See the latest featured music videos.

I see this video doing well in the clubs and on the radio.. and ANY song with pitbull in it makes me wanna dance.

ps- where do I get a glitter diamond catsuit from? I want to wear one of those to the green lantern for karaoke....

Sorry we've been m.i.a.

Juggling work, school, and working out pretty much consumes our evenings, which gives us no time to write/rant on the blog. The big kahuna and his wingman are both on vacation, so I will get some new material on here asap.